Entry for 18 July 2007 – A response to Neill’s beautiful sound of light

Absolutely fantastic Niell, those are some of the most beautiful words I have yet to read.
And I know that all consuming feeling. I felt it with all my children (there are 6) but strangely enough more so with Aiden who will be 2 in August.
Maybe it was because my pregnancy partner and birthing partner was my sister not Aiden’s father, maybe because the pregnancy was so traumatic that I was supposed to spend more time in bed than out, maybe because I drove myself to the hospital for the ceaser and drove myself home with this precious 2 day old baby, barely able to walk but desperately wanting to study every little piece of his minute body in the peace and sanctity of our home, maybe because when I came around from GA I heard the shocking news that my son had to be resucitated at birth, I don’t know.
What I do know is that when I was told at 8 weeks that he would not survive the viral meningitis he had contracted and I should just “hold my baby and love him” it was the most physically painful experience of my life, more painful than having to jump 1 storey out of my burning house and getting severely injured, more painful than anything I could imagine. I spent hours in the chapel at the hospital praying through tears, shouting, screaming, frantically wishing this was not happening…. at 2 a.m. the following morning as I watched this tiny little bundle, so terribly ill, he opened his eyes, and in the first time in a week he recognised me and gave me the weakest little smile. It was then I knew for sure that paying lip service to Our Father was not going to hack it – this entity, this person, OUR FATHER exists. He had heard and answered my prayers. Aiden is living proof of the existence of That Man!
When I look at my very lively healthy son today, when he is creating a work of art on the wall or door, or when he shakes his little finger at me and says “Don’t touch” it is not just a feeling I get, it is a complete contraction of myself, I can only stare in wonder at this perfect being that was created in love and survived through more difficulties in 2 years than many people experience in a lifetime. I am truly blessed, not only for having my son to love, but for all my beautiful children. I can only sometimes stare in wonder at the beautiful people they have become and are becoming, and I silently say a prayer of thanks when we are all safely together at the end of another day in our sad country.

Savannah asked me last night if it is difficult being a single parent to 6 children (I have been a single parent for most of their lives – Derek is now 24), she was thinking of the little girl who was hiding under my bed the other day, away from her mother who had beaten her, and she had run to my home for safety. Mum has become SS (suddenly single) after Dad left for Gauteng, leaving mum with the 4 children. Clearly mum is not coping after less than a month. I looked at Savannah and I said ummmmmm I only know how to be a single mother, I have always been a single mum. It is second nature to me, I know nothing else and although sometimes I yearn for the companionship of a partner, sometimes it would be great to share their everyday escapades with a significant other, sometimes I don’t make the right choices, sometimes the guidance I pray for and seek comes to me too late, I realise that my children have the best that life can offer them spiritually. They have me 100%, they are being raised according to chiristian principles and morals, and let me tell you it is by no means as boring as people would love to think. We have a happy contented, extremely noisy and busy household. We know our place. We do have a manly or father influence in our home. The man in our lives is the Lord, he is the only one who has time for any of us! And make no mistake – he has his hands full 🙂

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